A simple way to engage with anyone
The Master of Communication - my father - thought stopping for a moment and pausing was a vital element when conversing with people.
‘The first thing ,’ my dad said to me, ‘the first thing you must do, Nick, whenever you are in front of someone, is… pause.
‘Every time you meet someone, whether it’s a formal conversation, a brief discussion, a casual chat, or a stressful exchange, pause. Because when you pause, you allow yourself to assemble your strategy for how best to deal with that particular situation.’
Dad thought that pausing was one of the most important things a human being can do. To illustrate his point, he told me a story which made me think about who we are as people.
‘Imagine’, he said, ‘you’re standing in a packed lift when someone behind you prods you in the back with an umbrella. You think nothing of it. But then it happens a second time. You ignore it again, but then it happens a third time. How do you feel? Now you’re annoyed, but you say nothing.
‘Then it happens for a fourth time. You spin around to say something, and there, right in front of you, is a blind guy trying to feel his way with his stick. Now how do you feel? Now what do you say?
‘Naturally, your initial instinct was to yell, “What do you think you’re doing?” But you have the ability to check your natural response – and you do that by pausing.’
Logic vs Emotion
As a surgeon, my father understood how the body worked. He also understood the neurology of the mind, and he explained to me, in simple terms, that everything we see, hear, smell, taste and touch travels through our bodies in the form of electric signals. These signals pass from cell to cell until they reach the brain.
The signals enter the brain at its base near the spinal cord and travel to the frontal lobe behind the forehead, where our rational, logical thinking takes place. It’s here where our brains make sense of all this information.
The thing is, before the signals reach the logical part of the brain, they pass through the limbic system along the way, and the limbic system is the place where our emotions are produced. So, we experience things emotionally before reason kicks in.
Throw in the fact that our emotional response is five times more powerful than our logical one and you can imagine the sheer strength of our emotions.
We all have a chimp
Dr Steve Peters, the well-known Consultant Psychiatrist, wrote the excellent book The Chimp Paradox. In it, he refers to the emotional part of the brain as ‘the chimp’.
We all have a chimp who is cheeky, independent and strong. So, in certain stressful situations, such as when your boss criticises you in front of your colleagues, the logical part of your brain might be saying, ‘Listen to this criticism because it may prove useful in furthering your self-development’, the emotional part is probably saying something very different.
Or how about when you’re in a café, staring lovingly at a delicious piece of chocolate cake? Your logical response might say, ‘You’re on a diet, you’ll only feel guilty later if you have it’, but your emotional response might be, ‘Stuff it. Life’s too short!’
So, we have an ongoing battle between the emotional part of the brain and the logical part. However, all of us at some point in our lives have managed to keep our emotions in check, even though we may have been pushed very hard. How?
By giving the logical part of the brain some time to catch up with the emotional part. We pause, take a breath before we react; before we do or say something we may regret. And when we pause, it inevitably leads to a better outcome.
The cost of not pausing
I worked closely with the CEO of a business in the City.
Although he had a successful track record, his leadership style was fiery, direct and often aggressive. This side of his personality could be damaging – to the degree that over the course of eighteen months, he had lost three members of his leadership team.
Replacing them cost his business over £200,000.
I spent several months coaching this highly intelligent, proud man, focusing on simple yet powerful techniques to help him pause and prevent his emotional side taking over. After some initial resistance, he worked hard at pausing, and although it took him some time, he reduced his emotional outbursts significantly and became less aggressive in his interactions.
The Christmas Supermarket shopping trip
Of course, the difficult thing is remembering to pause in the heat of the moment, when the tension is rising and we’re getting stressed.
Personally, this is something I experience in particular once a year when I have to go with my wife Helen on the annual Christmas supermarket stock-up.
This jaunt around the aisles induces a particularly high degree of stress. Actually, I start to get stressed before we’ve even left the house, because I know what’s coming. Then my stress levels rise as soon as we’re in the car and hit major traffic.
After what seems like for ever, we eventually arrive at the supermarket to find the car park full, so we spend fifteen minutes driving around with other stressed-out shoppers, desperately looking for a space. Naturally, this only adds to my anxiety.
Once in the supermarket, I just want to go to the beer and wine section, but no, I’m handed a list by my wife which contains eighteen different kinds of vegetable (half of which I’ve never heard of).
I’m sent to get enough cheese to feed an army, way too many sausages, three different types of brandy butter and a bottle of Christmas scented bleach. (Did you know there is such a thing as Christmas scented bleach?)
Finally, we’ve got everything and head to the till. The queues are enormous, so I am faced with the vitally important decision of choosing which queue to join. And of course, I choose the queue that doesn’t move while the others are flowing beautifully.
Eventually, we get to the cashier and load up the shopping. Then Helen turns to me and says, ‘Give me the vouchers.’
‘What vouchers?’
‘The vouchers. The £60 worth of vouchers I pointed to on the kitchen table as we left the house. The vouchers that I’ve been collecting for months.’
‘I didn’t see you point to any vouchers.’ ‘You didn’t bring the vouchers?’
‘No, I didn’t bring the vouchers.’
‘What? You’re joking! You only have to remember to do one thing all Christmas, and you even mess that up. I do everything at this time of year for your bloody family.’
‘I think you’ll find it’s “our” bloody family,’ I say. ‘Arrgghh!’
And off she storms, out of the store, leaving me at the checkout looking like an idiot…without any vouchers. People point at me, whispering to each other, ‘He forgot the vouchers.’
If only Helen had paused. OK, if only I’d paused, too.
In that moment of stress, what we needed was a memory jogger – a reminder to pause – to allow time for the logical part of our brains to catch up with the emotional part.
So, next time you’re in a difficult situation with someone and the tension’s rising, remember to pause.
How to stop and think
So how do we pause? What things can we do to help us pause in those stressful moments?
There are many strategies that can help do this. The classics – take a deep breath, count to ten, etc. – can be effective. Here are some others to try:
Get in the helicopter
Imagine you’re in a helicopter, hovering above the situation you’re faced with. Look down and get some perspective on what’s happening. How important is the situation? Will it last for ever? Think of all the critical things in your life. Is this really one of them?
Leave the room
If possible, distance yourself from the situation. Explain to the person that you would like some time out to think before you respond. If you can, leave the room.
Listen to the little voice
In stressful situations, the logical part of the brain will be trying to talk to you above the din of the emotional part – a little voice warning you to pause and not overreact.
Here’s a true story from someone I know very well. Some years ago, he was at Heathrow Airport, waiting to fly on a business trip, and had time to kill.
He decided to buy a book for the journey and visited a well-known book shop at the terminal. Browsing through the best-sellers, he found one and decided to buy it.
Turning around to head for the till, he saw a huge queue. Then he did something on the spur of the moment; something he’d never done before (or since, he assures me) – he turned and walked out of the shop with the book in his hand…without paying for it. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but ignored that little voice telling him so.
He felt guilty for a few seconds, but soon put it out of his mind. Once on the plane, he started reading.
The book was a self-help guide, focusing on doing the right things in life, having dignity, being a good parent, helping others, being a good role model. By page 12, he felt pretty guilty. By page 26, he felt terrible.
It dawned on him that he was a common thief. He’d risked being caught, arrested and losing his job – all for a saving of £12.99 and avoiding waiting 5 minutes in a queue.
He decided to make up for it the best way he could. On returning from his trip, he wrote a letter to the author with a £50 note inside and bought five copies of the book to give to friends. The author wrote back thanking him and saying how amusing he found the story. He even told his wife.
Bill’s story
One of my previous jobs involved managing a group of twelve, each of whom had their own team. I remember watching one of my managers getting angry with a direct report (we’ll call him ‘Bill’)
for giving a sloppy, unclear presentation. The presentation had been confusing and unprofessional, but the way the manager responded – emotionally, aggressively, without pausing – damaged Bill’s confidence. Indeed, Bill’s next presentation was even worse.
I had a chat with the manager and we discussed what he could have done differently when criticising Bill. I stressed the importance of pausing before having the conversation to allow the logical side of the brain time to catch up with the emotional side.
We talked about what he could have said if he’d thought about his words, and came up with:
‘Bill, your presentation lacked structure and was unclear, which, in turn, left the audience confused.
It needs to have absolute clarity from the beginning, be shorter and look more professional. Would it help if we talked through how you could improve it?’
Think of the consequences
This is not an easy strategy, but it’s a powerful one. Pause in the moment of stress by thinking of the consequences of how you’re about to react.
If we react emotionally, the chances are we’ll do or say something we’re likely to regret. The next day, we may reflect on how we behaved, having hurt someone and potentially damaged our relationship with them. As we’re not robots, we’ll almost certainly feel guilty, needing to apologise and face up to our actions.
But the damage is already done.
If we focus on the consequences of our reaction for a second or two before we open our mouth, we have a much better chance of preventing ourselves saying something we regret.
The One Minute Checklist
But pausing isn’t just valuable when emotions are running high. You should pause during any conversation, particularly if the conversation is especially important or potentially challenging.
In these situations, before you have the discussion, you need to go through the One Minute Checklist. You should consider the following questions:
• What’s the aim of the conversation?
What’s the point of the meeting or discussion? What’s the purpose, the desired outcome, the output? How long will it last and what can you expect to achieve in that time?
• What’s the best approach to adopt?
What method/style will you apply towards the person in front of you?
Will you get the best outcome from the conversation if you adopt a soft, lenient style? Or is a firm, more assertive approach more appropriate?
• What’s their mindset/stress level?
The conversation is not about you, it’s about them. What’s going on in their world? Are they under pressure, stressed, full on with other work, having a hard time at home?
• Any challenges to having a successful conversation?
Can you think of anything that might derail the meeting? Might they overreact, could you be interrupted, are there any topics it would be best to avoid?
Recap
1. Pausing is one of the most important things a human being can do
2. We experience and feel things emotionally before reason kicks in
3. Our emotional response is five times more powerful than our logical side
4. To stop the emotional side taking over, we need to slow down the brain
5. Which strategy will you use to remember to pause?
